The Bully Mentality

All through school when I would see someone getting picked on and bullied, made fun of, or talked about behind their back, I was just as guilty as the instigators.  Although I wasn't an active participant, I didn't do anything to stop it.  I was riding the wave of energy along with the ones who started it. It was like a shark feeding frenzy or crowd riot mentality. Yes, I admit that I took part in some of those sorts of things when they were going on. I hate myself for it. There have been some of those incidents that have caused me a lot of tossing and turning over the years. Many times I've wrestled with those things--wondering why I wasn't the one that stepped forth and stopped what was going on. All it takes is one voice to turn the tide and make people stop and think. I picture a small crowd of people taunting, ridiculing someone over and over, and when the crowd has had enough they move on, laughing and joking about their conquest. I would be the one that laughed nervously with them because I was too afraid not to, and then looking back over my shoulder as we walked away, hating what I had just seen. I think I had a huge amount of empathy but had no idea what to do with it.

Allen Adams, wherever you are, I am so sorry for the shit that everybody put you through. I understand you came from a poor family, but you didn't deserve constant ridicule over it. Jenny? Yes, you were a big girl, but that doesn't mean you deserved to be picked on for it. You probably had the same warm memories of life growing up that anyone else had. The first time you successfully rode a bicycle, the first time a puppy licked your nose, or the first time you blew the seeds from a dandelion. Kids can be cruel, and I'm truly ashamed to admit that have taken a part in some of it.

I was the recipient of bullying myself.  I don't recall how many times, but it doesn't matter. It only takes one comment by someone to make you withdraw into yourself. As plain as day, I can remember Don Nicks in high school calling me bucky beaver one time within earshot of a fairly large group. Having always been self-conscious of my overbite to begin with, that comment alone drove a hot spike of hatred and resentment into me. I immediately withdrew, sullen and hurt. I will never forgive him for it. I've tried but it just won't go away. I saw him at our last reunion 10 years ago and the same seething anger welled up inside me.  All because of one single comment. I endured other things too, but they tended to be more generic, like related to wearing glasses or being skinny. Those comments weren't nearly as damaging. To me. To someone else, it may have hit them just as hard as that one comment hit me.

Even though that seems to be what kids do, it still doesn't make it right.  I don't think it happens in every country in the world.  I believe it's one of the ripple effects of our capitalist society and culture.  People achieve a level of status based on their places in our society.  Their job, their house, what kind of car they drive, or how nice their clothes are--are all directly related to what kind of function they perform or what kind of position they have.  It ends up trickling down to the kids.  Kids don't understand anything other than what's right in front of their noses. They don't consider what may cause someone to look or behave differently, nor do they consider what their actions may cause later on down the road. They just haven't been alive enough to learn cause and effect about such things.  As adults, we may not even realize we're doing it when we make an off-hand comment about the crappy car someone is driving, or the dumpy house or neighborhood they live in.  We may comment to someone about somebody, saying something like, "He was lucky to even get that job," implying that they were stupid or inept. Our kids hear. Our kids remember. They repeat what they hear to someone at school and it sets the whole thing in motion.